The All-Purpose Cleaner I Bought After Watching One Too Many YouTube Videos (A Note to My Past Self)

i’m standing in my kitchen, staring at a bottle of all-purpose cleaner that i bought six months ago. the label is a little faded from me wiping it down. i’m wearing my ratty old hoodie with the hole in the left elbow (the one i refuse to throw away because it’s comfortable). and i’m thinking… man, i was dumb.

so here’s a note to myself, past jake, who was about to click “buy now” after watching a video that made everything look so easy. maybe it’ll help you too. or at least make you feel better about your own questionable purchases.

why i even thought i needed this

okay, so six months ago i was deep in a cleaning rabbit hole. my apartment wasn’t even that dirty. but i had this idea that if i just had the right product, everything would be magically spotless. you know that feeling? like if you buy the thing your life will Last thing— be together. i was wearing that hoodie i mentioned, sitting on my couch with my laptop, and i watched this video where a guy (very good lighting, very clean apartment) sprayed something on his counter and wiped it off in one pass. no streaks. no fuss. he said “this is not a sponsored video” but then i saw the link in the description. ugh. i still fell for it.

he talked about how it’s “safe for all surfaces” and “cuts through grease like nothing else” and i was like yep, that’s exactly what i need. never mind that i literally have a bottle of dish soap under the sink that works fine. i needed the new thing.

the sponsored video that got me (ugh)

i feel kinda dumb because i got convinced by a video that was clearly sponsored. the guy even said “this isn’t sponsored” but then in the description it was. classic. I honestly don’t know why i trust people on the internet who have perfect backgrounds and never seem to spill anything. but i do. and then i buy the cleaner and it’s… fine. not magical. just fine.

the thing is, i watched three other videos that were not sponsored where people said “eh, it’s okay” and i ignored them because they weren’t as polished. my brain is stupid sometimes.

i wish someone had told me: if the video looks like a commercial, it is a commercial. even if they say it’s not.

what surprised me after a week

so i got the bottle. sprayed it on my kitchen counter. wiped. and yeah, it was clean. but so is my counter when i use soap and water. i don’t know if that feature actually works or if i just got lucky, but i expected some kind of transformative experience. instead it was just… cleaning.

the smell thing nobody warned me about

Okay so, it has a scent. almost like fake lemon mixed with chemical. my cat gave me a look when i first sprayed it. she walked away. i wouldn’t say it’s bad, but it’s not “fresh morning” like the bottle claims. it’s just there. after a few minutes it fades, but during those few minutes i feel like i’m in a hospital waiting room. not the vibe i want while making coffee.

also it left streaks on my glass table. i sprayed it, wiped, and there were these weird rainbow lines. i had to redo it with water. i mean come on. if your all-purpose cleaner can’t handle glass without leaving streaks, what are you even doing? but maybe that’s just my table? i don’t know.

one thing i wish someone had told me

i wish someone had said: you’re going to use it twice, then forget about it under the sink. that’s exactly what happened. i used it the first day with enthusiasm. second day with a little less. third day i grabbed the spray bottle of water and vinegar i’ve been using for years because i was too lazy to find the new one. and honestly, plain white vinegar and water works just as well for most things. maybe not for heavy grease, but how often am i dealing with heavy grease? i live on frozen pizza and pasta, not fried chicken.

so that’s the thing. i spent money on something i didn’t need. and it’s not even bad. it’s just… unnecessary. i have a perfectly good homemade cleaner that costs pennies. i knew that before i bought the bottle. i just wanted the fancy bottle.

• it works fine but so does vinegar
• the smell is forgettable
• streaks on glass are annoying
• i used it maybe five times total
• my cat disapproved

who probably doesn’t need this

if you already have dish soap, vinegar, baking soda, and a spray bottle, you don’t need this. i’m not saying no one needs it. maybe you have a specific surface that requires a specific ph balance? i don’t know. but for normal everyday messes on normal kitchen counters, just use soap. or vinegar. or literally anything you already own.

i also realized i bought it because i wanted to feel like i had my life together. i thought owning a “real” cleaner would make me a real adult. turns out being a real adult is just using what you have and not buying overpriced bottles because a youtube guy told you it would change your life. (it didn’t change my life. my life is the same. i still have dishes in the sink.)

the noise thing nobody mentions

okay this is weird but the spray nozzle on my bottle makes a clicking sound sometimes. like if the bottle is almost empty? i don’t know. it’s annoying. i didn’t notice it in the video because the guy had music playing. but in my quiet apartment at 7am, that click-click-click drives me nuts. i actually stopped using it partly because of that. which is ridiculous. but here we are.

what i’d tell my past self

hey past jake. you’re wearing that hoodie with the hole. you’re watching a video with perfect lighting. you think this cleaner will fix something. it won’t. save your money. go make some coffee. pet your cat. use the vinegar bottle under the sink. you’re already doing fine.

i don’t know if this helps anyone reading. maybe you already know not to trust sponsored videos. maybe you’ve never fallen for it. good for you. but if you’re like me, standing in the kitchen wondering why your new cleaner doesn’t make you feel like a different person… it’s not the cleaner. it’s the expectations. and the hoodie.

i’m still wearing it by the way. the hole is bigger now. but it’s comfortable. so i don’t care.